kaolin fire presents :: writing :: fiction

"Litterbug"

words

Well, what can I say? I was bored. The same old thing time and time again, and there wasn't really anything that I could find that would give me that good old rush again. Adrenaline, my man. The goddess of life. She was gone, and so was I. Oh, sure. I had my dreams. The good life, high and mighty. I wanted money, I wanted power, I wanted wealth, I wanted knowledge. But none of it mattered anymore. Ya see, child, it's like this.

It ain't life unless it feels like life. And from the look of you, you don't know what life is. You think life is happiness, fun and games. No, child, that's not what life is. That's a sure death, stagnation. There is no true knowledge of life without excitement, ya hear me? What's excitement?

Excitement is when you can taste the world around you on the tip of your tongue, and I ain't talking acid. Synthetic life, a drop at a time, that's not for me. Excitement is not knowing what's going to come next, like the twist at the end of a good thriller, except it's real. It's happening. Excitement is happening. Excitement is when the adrenaline is pumping through your veins pushing your body to its limit, pushing yourself, fighting your fears, conquering yourself and through yourself the world around you.

Yeah, the tao of death. Ya see, after a while, you just sorta get jaded. It's been done. You've seen the world at its best through all of your senses and you know it's all one big safety net bent on catching you. The bungee cord stretching back and forth like the universal umbilical cord keeping you from the full feeling of experience. The parachute opening saving you from instant doom, and floating down gracefully as the adrenaline high just withers like a lover that ain't no longer interested. That tiny little scrap of mind that at the very end unties the noose from about your neck and lets the oxygen rush to your puny little brain. Oh great man, you can kill those cells off one by one, but where's that gonna get ya? No, ya hafta do it final-like. Make sure there ain't no turning back.

I smile to myself, looking down there at all those insignificant little lives that will never understand what it means to experience. After all, if they knew, they'd be here too. I wave to a cute blond biting her nails looking up at me as if her world will come to an end. No, I tell her. If things go well, it will be mine not yours. Yours doesn't even exist. Maybe, just maybe, this will make you understand. Maybe I can help another put together this jigsaw puzzle and see the reality beneath everything.

My heart pumps a little faster, I can feel the adrenaline starting to come like a familiar to its master. Hello, little one, I call to it, and caress it within my body. Flow, flow, enjoy this dance. This will be your last, I'm afraid. This will be the final experience.

The door behind me begins to pound, echoing my throbbing body, pulsing as the sqelchers of experience attempt to bring me down. Their world is the grey stagnation, the big flat plain that forces everyone to endless drudgery. They don't live in that world, they revel in it, and force everyone to their level. They won't get me, child, don't worry.

I can hear the door beginning to give, but my will is steady. This ain't no little whim. It's not a fit, a tumour, a quirk, a rumour... No. They can see, child. They can see me here as I see them. And I'll join them, soon. Soon, yes, though not for long. Long enough, though. My final ride, my final rush, my final Being, emphasized and punctualized by my being not.

As the cops burst through the door, I wave a fond adieou, and pirhoutte off the balcony.

It's better than I had ever imagined. Free fall, yeah, it's nice. It's not that pussy shit roller coaster BULL shit. This is real. THIS is reality. Ten meters per second per second, nothing but a tiny bit of air drag weighing me up, good old mother earth, terra fucking firma, pulling me down. No chains, no strings, no chutes, nothing can stop me now. The little voice isn't even trying, it knows when it has lost. I comfort it, call out to it, and take its hand, sharing with it the final freedom. It smiles at me, a small child, and takes refuge in my arms. Yeah, baby, daddy's gonna be all right. Just don't cry, everything's gonna be fine.

Ten meters per second per second and my blood is like wildfire. The wind is peeling open my eyes but that's just great because I didn't want them shut in the first place. I know what's coming and welcome it with open hands. Well, head first at least. The people scream and I think that blond just bit a bit too deep, maybe that will give her a hint at life. Pain is always a great eye opener. Without blood there is no life, without pain no joy. The crowd disperses, they don't wanna be hit by no crazy.

An old tale of someone throwing a penny off the Empire State Building comes to my mind and I laugh. That would be something if I took someone with me, but it ain't gonna happen. These people may be the walking dead, may never understand what's happening in front of them, may never realise their own deadly disease. But they have that good old voice themselves that tells them when to move, when to stop. Self-preservation. I kiss mine luxuriously in delight.

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Unit nine, we have a four oh four over here. Yeah, he jumped. No one else was injured, but it looks like there's going to be a bit of a mess to clean up. Yeah, all over the place. And this little ditz lost her lunch. Yeah, it's all over the place too. No next of kin? Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to rip up this ticket. Hate it when these nuts do this. They just don't realise how much taxpayer money gets spent each year to clean these landmarks. Yeah, I suppose.

The policewoman strode over to the trashcan and distractedly tore up the ticket. Disorderly conduct, Disturbing the Peace... and Littering.